'Fess up Friday (late edition)

I rather like this idea (seen here, here and originating here) of a weekly mea culpa of writing progress, so I'll temporarily lift my head above the blogging parapet.

This week I have added three handwritten, narrow feint A4 pages to the previous week's four.  The essay project is so, so much easier to write than the children's novel.  Rather than forcing and scratching around for ideas I find myself overwhelmed by them.  One thing leads to another.  Thoughts endlessly branch and digress, leaving me anxious that I'll never have time to follow them all.  I'm trying to tell myself to be calm; that if my brain can teem today, it can teem tomorrow.  Too much to write is a new phenomenon for me.  And yet still I fear sitting at my desk and actually picking up my pencil.  Why this resistance?  Will it decrease or will every day be a battle against myself?  I think it may the fear of actually doing something (as opposed to endlessly imagining and talking about it) and being faced with botched reality instead of basking happily in the glow of the idealised work I am going to write, soon, tomorrow, sometime. 

Today I have taken advantage of a rainy morning and the children at dance lessons to start typing up some of my scribbles.  And in doing so I see that the essay I thought I was writing is really three different ones, none of which is finished or remotely polished.  I'm trying not to judge and just to type it out.  I'd like to have one finished essay up at Topography by this time next week.  But even as I type that the hubris hits me.  Really, you think you'll have that muddle sorted out in a week?  My inner censor is on good form today.

Comments

[Stefanie]

Looking forward to the essay no matter when you have it finished!

[bloglily]

You are in good company here! Many posts this week have been about thinking about writing... and about writing crummy first drafts, and how that is okay.

How terrific, though, to be full of so many ideas! I didn't know about Topography and am going to check it out now.

xo, L

[Litlove]

I predict you will write extremely elegant and intelligent essays! And I still feel scared some days approaching the desk, so nice to have company in that. Keep approaching, though, I'm delighted to think you are back blogging.

[LK]

I definitely share your feelings! Will do a post on it, too.

One thing I've done in the past, which I will try again, is to limit my time of writing and KEEP THE PROMISE to myself, even if I feel like I want to "go over." For me, it's some sort of psychological relief that I won't overload, that I will keep a promise to myself. Then I was able to work my way up to more time.